Beats of You & Me

Moving on.

12 March 2016, 1:43 AM

090316.

I'm not brave and ready to talk abt it now, but I feel that I need to do so. Ytd, out of the blue, you texted with frustration asking everything to stop. You wldnt give me a chance to explain things through, you just wanted to end everything. I really didn't see it coming, though you weren't replying my msges the last night. I guess wtv I did suffocated you. I don't know why you feel that way, I guess I never will. But it led you to have this fixed mindset of us not being able to work things out anymore. As you said, no one can predict the future but you were just so sure that your feelings for me will never return.

We had to cut contact and meet ups for at least 3 months, bcos you said you cldnt handle me. I'm not sure in what way, but I really thought it wldnt affect you cos I'm the one that's being dumped here. But bcos you can't handle the situation, I have to give you space to do so.

Now, it's not the time to fight for this. With your stubborn mind, you will never be able to rationalize us and what is happening. I'll give it time. 3 months, from now. Hopefully this will let you reflect a little on the situation. The hope for me is that we might happen again in the future, that I want to chase you back feeling for me, but now is not the time. Not the time..

I can move on.. But I can't let go. I move on to cope with daily life. But that's abt it. I need to curb my feel of texting you. Bcos I really want us to work it out, to do anything for this to be happening again in the future. I accept that it's not now, but let's leave the future open to you feeling abt is again.

That's all I'm asking for.

2nd meet up.

06 March 2016, 10:51 PM

The night before was so.. Difficult to cope. I asked you for answers too early, knowing them very well and knowing that it won't change. But I still did that to hurt myself. Esp when I was out in the afternn, I feel so bad that I cldnt attend the pain conference. So many things that were interesting, but only one thing going through my mind, that you don't have feelings anymore.

It's kinda like a consequence resulting from the mindset that you choose to follow. You chose to end it, making yourself numb from feeling wtv that is happening. Esp my sincerity towards the entire thing. The good times that we shared. The bond and connection that we had. I can't get you to change that, not now. And I know that.

I also know that you've been feeling faded for a while now, and one week is not going to change much of that. Just a few hours of meet up, honestly what was I expecting. I told myself you needed space, time. To do what you want now, not to stop you from doing anything. To make up for all the emotional neglect that I have been giving you, to make everything feel right again. This month really made me realize how much you mean to me. I lost track of us. We lost track of us. And I'm ready and back on track. Waiting for you to be too.

So having all these thoughts, my mind was in a whirlpool and as usual I broke down. I decided to ask to meet cos you're my constant source of comfort. How else am I going to find comfort other than you. I was really relieved that you agreed to meet. I really did not have any expectations when we met up. But I felt like you were flustered. You were still in your "I don't want" stage and I was kinda prepared for it so I wasn't really affected. I guess I can only act as your friend now. There's only so much I can do. And you have complete control over the situation. When I saw you, all my thoughts were settled. I saw peace with you. We went to amk hub, ate toast box and you already had your shake. Went to challenger and bought my earpiece while you bought your thumb drive. Went to yck after to sell the phone. Finally. Then you alighted me at Thomson while you went for your facial.

There's so much I wna say. But I can't. I won't. I'll try my best. Till the end of the month.

1st meet up post Bali

03 March 2016, 10:45 PM

She asked to change the meeting to today. I agreed, of cos. I already cldnt wait to meet her on Friday.

Was on mc today. First time having bronchitis. Went to bathe, changed and headed out to meet her. Decided to find her at her workplace since I didn't want her to travel so far just to come and find me. Moreover I know she's busy with her work. So took the purple line down to hougang, and took a bus to the porridge place for dinner.

I rmb seeing her back facing me as I walked towards her. Greeted her with a smile, and the thought of wanting to tell her how much I've missed her. It was so comforting to see her face. Finally. We chatted abt work, here and there, while having warm porridge tgt. After dinner, she needed to go back to work cos of her increased workload so I didn't wna take up her time. And I really didn't want her to send me back, but I really wanted to spend more time with her. Anw she sent me back and I bought mamee for her. Today, I passed her a card, a hand sewn stuff toy and her swimsuit I bought online. I hope she read it. I hope she appreciates whatever I'm doing. I hope this moves the stone hindering her from trying again. I'll do wtv it takes. Slowly. To make this work. You're my soulmate. I'll get you back on track.

Till the next meet up next week. 030316

21 February 2016, 9:56 PM

When I look at you, I think of the 5 1/2 years that we had. What we went through, the precious memories that we painstakingly created towards a future. I see why I am in love with you.

Many ask what's holding me on in this relationship. Since you decided to let it go. I've thought about it many times, and each time, my stand is still the same. I love you and our memories to fight on. Someone asked whether it was really love or is it a habit of 5 1/2 years? It was a very difficult question to answer. I thought about it carefully over the next few days, and thought maybe it's the latter. It made me feel a little better.

But when we spent time last Friday just having a simple meal and catching a movie, so much emotions rushed into my head. I realised, it's bcos I love you. I sincerely enjoyed every single moment with you. I forgot to come back to basics. I forgot what simple love felt like. We were so caught up with our commitments that we forgot that quality time spent with each other is what keeps us alive.

I'm hoping that the future time we spend together will let you try again. You may say that wtv I do will not make you change you mind, but if I don't try, I never know. At least when it doesn't work out, I know that I've tried.

11 February 2016, 12:44 AM

I feel a little better today. Not bcos I'm giving up/ coming to terms of us not being tgt. I've learned to collect my thoughts and see the hope in this. It may not be ideal, bcos what if there isn't any hope in the first place, but I'm willing to look at things on the brighter side.

It's not easy. It's so tough. It's breaking my heart each day. Knowing that you're not okay, knowing that you are still deciding on whether we would be okay. The only thing that's worrying me is you not agreeing to go Bali. I can't deal with that.

I can't

08 February 2016, 12:15 AM

2016. How time flies. This post is just to summarize my thoughts about what had happened earlier.

5 years 6 months 5 days. That's how long we've been together. As they say, falling in love is easy, but staying in love is hard. I cannot agree more with this statement. It takes commitment, communication and trust to build a lasting relationship.

I've never thought I'll be able to be with a person forever. I've never foresee myself being loyal to one person forever. That's because people change. Whether you deny it or not, it's the damn fact. You can take an oath to be with someone till death do us part, but do people actually know what they're putting themselves into? That's why I've always told myself that marriage is just a lie that people put themselves into. Do not conform with the society norms.

5 years ago, that's what I thought. Until I met you. You've given me a new perspective to perhaps, a lasting relationship. I fell in love with your smile. I fell in love with your kindness for people. I fell in love with your fears. I fell in love with us, and I actually thought we could be forever.

Don't get me wrong, I still think we do. We have changed as a couple. From being a teenage couple to needing to commit to work and earn a living. Work moulds us into what we need to be to survive in the coporate world. And that tweaked our personalities and values a little as well. We've overcomed many obstacles, whether good or bad, and it kept us going till now. I believe it makes us stronger for the preparation of what would be laid ahead of us.

Whatever I've been saying.. Is not straight to the point. What I've been saying, is that I'm sorry. I've spent a good few hours thinking about us and how I've changed as a person. I'm sorry that I blew at you this morning, saying that we needed to take a break. I know I'm not an easy person to handle. And lately my temper has not been the best. I diss at every little thing you do that makes me unhappy. I don't find the need to compromise. I feel that it's okay for me to feel this way. Everything was about "I". I didn't take into your consideration of your feelings and actions. We don't have the previlege of being like a normal couple. We can go out holding hands. We can't go to each other's places without pretending to be friends. It got to me. It got to me so badly that I blew. I just didn't want to understand. Basically, I just stopped understanding us. Understanding our relationship and how we work.

You need the night to think it through. I respect that. On the other hand I'm dying to talk to you. I'm dying to tell you that I'm sorry and I hope you won't tell me that you've given up on us. Bcos if you do...

26 December 2015, 12:49 AM

Looking through my photos, I suddenly miss traveling with you.

Through experiences, it's never easy traveling with someone, even if it's just for a few days or a week. It's tough bcos you face each other 24/7 and can hardly have personal space and time, or so I feel.

But with you, I wldnt mind traveling forever. We have our bad times. We have our conflicts, differences in managing money/ time/ the apartment etc and all the little arguments we had along the way. It wasn't easy, but I'm sure it's inevitable as well. The happy times with you definitely overrided the sad/ angry times that we had.

I miss staying in our own little apt, living tgt as a preparation for the future. I can be as carefree, calling you with pet names, walking around without my bra, sleeping naked.. Basically being who I am when I'm with you, with no limits.

Today, I miss this particular day. I miss this day in Paris, where I booked the dinner cruise in celebration and make up for not being able to be in spore with you for your 25th bday. We were really excited about it. We had to be all dapper for it. I remember you asking me what I wld like you to wear, bcos you know how I love when you dress up. I like how we went shopping for my outfit too. We went home, showered and took the effort to dress up for one another and for the night :) I liked how we worked in harmony to make it work. It's been 4 years plus and we hardly do dates, but that felt like the honeymoon period all over again.

I'll never forget that night, in the most romantic city ever. I would do it all over again, anytime, with you 💖

30 June 2015, 2:34 AM

Bkk trip with the family was therapeutic. Finally back in the comfort zone, felt really good. 2 more days and I'll be back at work. Feel so unprepared and the hearts not willing to return.. Zzz

Soul mate.

25 June 2015, 3:08 AM

After reading an article on elephant journal, I'm starting to think that I've found my soul mate in life :) what truly describes a soul mate? I guess there isn't a standardized answer, but I think it should be someone who understands you completely, who complements you and knows how to put a smile on your face when you're feeling at your lowest. That's my definition at least. I'm not those who are able to use the linguistics to describe well, but in simple terms I guess it boils down to that :)

In the past, I didn't think of much about soul mates as I didn't believe that I would find one. I did have many 'best' friends. Friends who understood me inside out, at different points of my life. These friends are still within my vicinity, though we are not on the same personal level as before. We have moved on from that phase, and onto different priorities in life. Im glad that it happened, but I knew it wouldn't last. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I think I wouldn't find my soul mate? I did have some partners, but reflecting on the past, I think none of them completed the other half that I was lacking, as I was to them as well.

But almost 5 years ago, I met someone who instantly clicked the moment we started talking. It wasn't a "oh she's my soul mate!" impression at first, but I knew that this friendship was about to grow. As months passed, we became friends that grew onto each other. I started to grow fond of her conversations with me. I liked the way she made me laugh every single time, and how comfortable we were knowing that we were just friends not long ago.

Till this day, I'm glad I found you. I'm glad I stole your heart, and that my soul mate is not only my best friend, but my lover too :) Even till today, she can make me laugh just as she did before 5 years ago. I'm treasuring every moment of it, and looking forward to many more with you!

23 June 2015, 2:20 AM

It's day 4 back in Singapore, and the jet lag is still screwing my sleep cycle. Not like it has been very regular.. So it's 210am now and I'm wide awake. Forcing myself to sleep by 3am so I won't have to wake up in the afternn tmr. Also need to set a few alarms to get myself up. Though I have the luxury of sleeping in now before work starts. Sigh, the dilemma.

Speaking of work, I have 8 more days till I face the suffering. Have not felt more disappointed than this time going back to work. All they gave were just empty promises. Made me feel so.. Unjustified. Life is just like that, isn't it? I don't know whether I should show that I'm pissed about the decisions that they have made, or should I just play pretend and act as though everything is alright, but at the end turn around and stab them. Ugh. Can't believe I'm going to opi. No offense to those who have a passion for it.. But I don't. None at all. It's not easy to fake when you don't even like it. And knowing that they know you don't like it either. Zzz

Anw have been feeling like a housewife these few days. Unpacking new loots and getting rid of the old. And it doesn't help that the weather is being such a bitch?! I can smell my odor after doing a few hours of packing. Not that I smell bad la.. But it just means that the weather is freaking humid!! Figured I should start packing since I have some time now. And that the bkk trip coming up would mean more loots to unpack... The house is in serious need of space. My clothes can't fit.. If only clothes are like money. I'll be filthy rich.

And finally macs released their spicy nuggets!! ^^ unleashed ourselves today when we were watching Jurassic world. The guy at the counter smirked at us when I was buying cos we bought 29 pieces.. Of cos b would always be kind enough to make me do such embarrassing orders.. And I love their banana pie too. I think the only thing I might not like is their bubble gum fizz. I mean.. Bubble gum?? Eww. Never like bubble gum flavored stuff.

Jurassic world was alright. I think Jurassic park was nicer. Movies nowadays have such predictable endings. Kinda knew that the baddie dinosaur (can't spell his name) would be eaten by the sea dinosaur (and can't spell his name either) and that all would be safe and sound.. *yawns* need more action that that..

Alright, time to play some games before I try to sleep. Oh! And I think in the entire blog I have failed to mention that we have a new addition to our family! And that is Peanut!! :) almost 2 year old golden daschund that is the cutest but naughtiest in Singapore. Hehehe.

Jetlagged.

21 June 2015, 4:27 AM

Hello my dear blog!

I've decided to revisit this space because of the jetlag that I'm suffering right now. It's 420am in the morning and I'm very, very wide awake. I've just came back from my Europe trip for 3 days and I guess this is inevitable. Hope I can sleep after posting this!

Life in 2015 has been way better than 2014, although I'm not anticipating what's to come in the later half of the year. I've def had much better luck and of cos, completing my degree course in PT :) will be starting work on 1st July and will be going to the OPI team. Very furious that they put me there as it was ALWAYS my last choice during rotation. And it's not like they do not know my liking for MS and that they did not have vacancies. Damn purposely. I guess I have to start being open and finding somewhere else that would allow me to pursue what j want to do.

On 2nd July this year, it commemorates our 5th year tgt :) I've never been with someone for so long, and I feel really glad and happy about it. I'm thankful that our relationship is still as strong as before, but on a very different level.

Sometimes it's very hard to contain a secret, but it's so potent that you could potentially lose anyone that you tell to. I guess the punishment is suffering with the consequence of the action that you've done. But humans are always very greedy. Why stop when it feels good and you can't resist? Terrible.

02 November 2014, 3:04 AM

Here I am lying in bed pondering about some harmless thoughts that crossed my mind recently. It doesn't apply to anyone or anything that's happening in my life right now but I just thought its good to reflect once in a while.

How do we define what love is? Love has many definitions and dimensions. I recently stumbled across a blog of someone closing her chapter of love and never believing in it again. Does true love exist? And does it last forever?

Honestly, it's bullshit if someone says 'yes' or 'no' bcos no one really knows. 'Till death do us part' is such a strong and committed phrase that many agree for the sake of doing so.

Human is fluid. We are ever changing and so are our feelings. How can you promise to love someone forever without knowing what your future holds? As simple as it sounds, life isn't a bed of roses. Things happen, people change, feelings change and that's when it all starts to crumble.

It's part of (most of) the reason why I don't believe in marriages and forever. It ultimately leads to cheating which labels them as a unfaithful spouse. But why don't we try to see it from their perspective? Perhaps that was the only way they could save their marriage.

We all strive to live our life to the fullest (subjective to each individual of course). As long as the secrets are safe, then love can exist.

Back from a hiatus;

19 October 2014, 3:23 PM

Hello!! :)

I'm back posting once again. Thought of my blog when I was busy rushing my assignment and reading through my posts made me feel like its time to start taking down my memories more often now. Hahaha glad they didn't shut down this place.

Anw back to student life once again :) 3 weeks have gone past way too fast. Definitely a much needed break from work although life's quite a bore when you have too much time on your hands #neversatisfiedwithlife

3 more days till we're scooting off to bkk for the 3rd time this year!! Always looking forward to a holiday but I srsly need to manage my fianances more strictly.. Student life means back to student spending and expenses. Can't afford to be broke when I'm in Europe..

Alright, till the next post! Now is the time to be napping on the sofa watching tv with the breeze blowing... :)

Reminisce

11 August 2013, 11:17 PM

It feels a little different today. Each time it always feels different. Feels like we are drifting.. I constantly try to tell myself to look at the positive side of the (bad) things that you're doing, but how much can I deceive myself? I see everyone plucking up the courage to face the truth even though they love their partner.. Maybe it's time I face the truth too.

There will be no happily ever after.

Looking back.

11 July 2013, 12:43 AM

As the title goes, looking back into this year, 2013 has really been a year where I fufilled most of my resolutions in a year. Good things come by, but some of my favs passes by.

The netball league has come to an end today. As much as I miss playing it I learn to look at the game in a whole new aspect. In the past it was all about winning and listening to coach, thinking that she was the only one who had control of us. Today, it felt exactly the same. I thought she has changed so much for the better but in fact, she didn't. I can finally understand how the reserve players feel whenever they sit on the bench during each game. They tried their best, trained like a dog, but end up not displaying the skills they achieved. Even though I might have been out of it for the longest time, but i definitely made an effort to attend trainings and games no matter how tired I was. Yet, she still doesn't see it. But what can I do? Nothing. Cos she has the final say. All along when she told me I lacked the ability I know she never changed her mindset about it. And this league proved it. But at the end of the day at least I know I tried. Joining the club? It's really a tough question. I want to train under a different coach yet I know I cannot escape from her claws.

I think it's time to bid netball goodbye. It's a closing chapter of my life.

31 March 2013, 11:32 PM

One of the nights where I really dread to head to work. I blame the long weekend but who's complaining about that.. Sigh I just wish people at work wld be.. More sociable to others. Or the best is if I cld find my own corner to do my own things everyday so I don't need to face the crowd.

Though we cldnt make use of the long weekend to travel, we did catch up on movies and sleep and time with each other. Such weekends shld be given to us more often. Wonder what's the meaning of life if all you do everyday is work your ass off feeling shitty and down. I don't think I can handle it for the next, 1 year.. Wish I had the money to open my own business and to do smthg I really want.

Just my thoughts. Gnight.

19 March 2013, 10:54 PM

Dear God,

Please let this rotation not be the end of my PT career :'( I know I have to put in a lot of effort into reading up and dedicating my time to practice and I will do it. But pls give me the confidence and determination to pull through cos right now I feel like I'm sinking into a whirl pool and I just cabt control how I feel. I usually do well with stress but this time it feels different.

I hope I don't self destruct in any way. Ironically the passion that led me to do physiotherapy is now biting me in the ass.

18 February 2013, 11:20 PM

It's a bit overdue but just a quick post about Valentine's!

I know everyone wld say as long as you are in love, everyday is valentine's day. I agree to some extent but at the same time I feel it's a day to show that someone you love her :) therefore it's worth celebrating about. It's not everyday you wld do smthg special or buy her a gift and surprise her. So why not do it on a oh so cliche day?

Since both of us are already working the only time we get to spend is the night, of cos. This is our 3rd (I think?? LOL) Valentine's tgt and we chose the same place as last year to dine at. Simply CPA we both love the beef too much. Hahaha anyone wld okay! Anw besides that the buying of gifts was a tough choice. Initially I had no clue what to get her bcos she had everyth she wanted and needed so can you imagine the pain I had to go through?! Thinking and walking around malls to see what will suit her (not to mention she is super picky hehe). In the end decided to get a nano to basically encourage physical activity. Hahaha. I wanted to buy sports attire and wrap it up as a gift but all the sports bra were so ugly or she already had them. Anw I'm just glad my b liked the gift :)

Okay! Going to sleep now. Tmr is the last day of work before I take a hiatus for one week. Srsly wanting this week to pass super slowly! Though I will miss my b badly for 5 days but there is always Internet!! And our trip in sept!! :)

12 February 2013, 11:20 PM

CNY 2013 passed so fast as though it didn't happen. I know one of the reasons is bcos we are working and we don't have time to anticipate and prepare for such occasions. This year was as boring as usual except for the stayover at your place.

Despite so I am thankful for the short break we get in btw (though I'm totally dreading to go work tmr) did some self reflecting, watched some amazing drama (lip service) and found myself a new idol and realistic dream goal that I can work towards to :)

Stayover with JPL was fun and relaxing. Glad we all still take the effort to meet up and always feel so comfortable around each other. But we can't deny that we are growing old and each time it gets harder and harder to stay awake at night. Lol.

Okie dokes time to sleep and dream of heather peace ;D

, 8:57 PM

No one said coming out of the closet was easy. But if you never try, you will never know?